Not today

I was hesitant to post this about a year ago, this post just sat in my drafts. After reading it today I realized I may help someone else that may be going through a similar situation.

January 2016…

Man this morning has been one of those days….where I just want to scream but NOT TODAY. My husband and I are trying to get back into our routine…..So let’s rewind a little, Last week Ian was hospitalized he had RSV (Respiratory Syncytial Virus) and Pneumonia. He was admitted to the PICU (pediatric intensive care unit) at Connecticut Children’s Hospital. This was very scary for My husband and I. We knew that Ian was not feeling well and we brought him to his pediatrician who put him on a steroid and antibiotic. When we brought him back for his follow up he didn’t seem to improve how we thought he should so the pediatrician then put him on another dose of steroids and switched his antibiotic….thinking that he had a bacterial infection…..my husband brought Ian to the 2nd follow up (I was at work 😕) and he calls me to say he has to get him to the ER. I left work so quick I texted my manager after the fact to let her know what was going on. Thank God for great managers! When we got to the ER after many sticks and pokes and test we find out about the RSV and Pneumonia. 

Why does my baby have to go through all of this? Why not me?  Will Nia and Eli be ok while we are here? A few of the many question that were going through my head…. needless to say our other 2 kids were being taking care of by our family. We have an amazing support system.  Nia who is 7 was very concerned. About a year and half ago she lost her grandmother to cancer and shortly after that her cousin passed away from cancer as well. She has experienced more loss at 7 then I have in my entire life. Nia was more concerned with if he would come home. She had moments where she cried and I cried with her but also reassured her that Ian would be ok and yes he is coming home.   

  Nia reading a book to Ian.(above)

The devil tried to still my joy today. I had to pray and remind myself of how blessed I am. We woke up late, I was late to work today Nia barely made her bus I didn’t have time to eat breakfast, Eli wanted to watch Elmo instead of getting ready. BUT I am alive and breathing. I won’t be miserable and ungrateful NOT TODAY for I have too much to be happy for. Ian is feeling so much better his teacher and paraprofessional let me know he is much more engaged at school. With all the situations that could have broken my marriage its hasn’t if anything it has made our union stronger. Having my husband as a partner makes life that much better.

MY OPEN LETTER TO IAN….

MY OPEN LETTER TO IAN
Dear Ian,
Happy 4th Birthday to my little sunshine! When I was pregnant the doctors repeatedly told us that we could abort you for medical reasons, they didn’t know how severe everything would be. I remember crying everyday. I prayed constantly never stopped praying. I remember calling your dad one day and telling him we might have a baby with special needs how do you feel about it? He said “what do you mean? We will love him and do what we need to do. God made are family unique, I’m not worried about it” And aborting you was not an option for us..I was rushed into labor because I failed the “stress test” I don’t know how they expected me to pass, I had appointments every other day and doctors calling us telling us what “may” happen. No one knew for sure. When you were born you were not breathing I remember looking at daddy and Aunty Steph for an update and the look on both of their faces made me just cry, you were intubated and rushed to the NICU ended up pulling your tubes out in less then 24 hours. At the point I knew I had a fighter! After over a month on the hospital and countless follow up appointments and doctors telling us they don’t know how long you will live. I realized its in Gods hands he has never forsaken me and he never will he is my rock and my foundation. The doctors can only tell me so much BUT God has the final say. Here we are celebrating your 4th birthday! I promise to love you and protect you as much as I can from this world that can be cruel and narrow minded at times. I will be by your side until my last breath. You are my greatest accomplishment and one of my biggest blessings!
I love you,
Mommy